"You just set it, and then you forget it." Just what I needed to start off this column right!
Great week in Llanview, this was! Best in a long, long time. I always knew they'd push Blair over the edge, but I didn't expect them to take it so literally! She was right - her life really just sucks. I sit here and imagine her day:
I'm preggers. (Hooray!)
Kid might not be Todd's. (Boohoo drip drip)
I got to tell Kelly about it. (Hooray!)
Kelly's leaving. Today. (Boohoo drip drip)
Todd's my baby's daddy. (Hooray!)
Todd threw me off a building. (Boohoo drip drip)
But hey, at least it's never boring, right? Riiiight.
Starr's Crossed Love
Poor baby! You know what's weird about teenagers? (Ok, yes, everything.) But what's truly weird about them is that they're all like little bipolar Gemini babies! They're right, even when they're wrong . . . and they're wrong, even when they're right! Take Cole and Starr. Yes, he needs to forgive himself. But yes, he really, really screwed up. Yes, Starr needs some time to process what happened at that party. But yes, he's a really, really great kid. Yes, it's wonderful that Starr can forgive him. But yes, she really, really needs to listen to Langston. Yes, Cole was pretty doggone mature for owning up and telling Starr that he wished he'd had a friend like Langston. But yes, he really, really needs some anger management therapy. And yes, he really, really needs some anger management therapy. But yes, he deserves a second chance. And yes, Starr really does need some space to make up her own mind and show everyone -including herself - that her judgment can be trusted. But yes, this is her first crush and her first heartbreak and her first more-than-puppy-love boyfriend. If Todd and Blair don't help her learn healthy boundaries now, she'll end up on the receiving end of some not-real-great stuff come college time in a few years. ((((((AAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!)))))) Really, really.
I'm so glad my kid is in college. It took me years to let him progress from age 16 to age 18! Wait . . . no, I mean 17. (Well, he's actually almost 21, so it'll be awhile before he actually gets to be 18. Hey, my delusion! I won't make you see your reality if you'll kindly agree to not make me see mine. Deal?)
Kelly, Kevin, and . . . er . . . Zane
Still kinda hard to make my mouth form the words Zane Cramer Buchanan. They'll be callin' that poor kid Zebe or Zeke or Zeekeebee. {{shiver}}
(insert whine-o-lin) I miss Kevin Eleven. And even more than that, I wish they'd've let him stay so that he, Kelly, and Z could've left together. After Christmas. Ok, well, after Easter. Maybe. But I loved it that Kelly went around to all of Z's assorted family folks to say good-bye. I know, in just a few years, he'll be back as the little hell-raiser his Grandpappy wants him to be - along the lines of Todd-squared, with a twist o'lime. Won't that be bigfun?
Long time, no see!
Renee! Wow! Girl, we haven't seen you in a month o'Sundays! Where you been, chile?! I have missed Renee's class like the dry Earth misses the rain. I'd forgotten how much her style puts Viki's and Dorian's styles in better perspective. Not that Erika Slezak and Robin Strasser can't hold their own, but Patricia Elliot's mere presence speaks volumes and even I'd be afraid if she arched her eyebrow at me. And, as always, it was just nice all the way around to see Asa holding the new generation of Buchanan boy. I'm still hoping that one day we'll find out that Z is actually Kevin's kid. That would be a great Christmas present.
I loved seeing Clint carrying on the Christmas ornament tradition. Jerry Van Dorn has really made a new man out of Clint and I like that they are using historical references in his relationship with Viki and their kids.
Noraaaaaa's back! Lalalalalala! Noraaaaaaaa's back! Lalalalalala! Noraaaaaaa's back! Lalalalalala! And she's not limpin', not slurrin', not slurpin' like a Slurpee cup! Noraaaaaa's back! Lalalalalalala! Hooray!
I loved Nora's tête-à-tête with Marty. Talk about l'histoire de Llanview. Those scenes took me way back . . . back to when it seemed as if Nora was Marty's only friend. You know, a great triangular friendship would be Nora, Vange, and Marty. Speaking of triangles, as I understand it, Soap Central has reported that a new Nora/Bo/Lindsay triangle will be emerging in the not-too-distant future. I'm secretly hoping that it's not going to be a rehash of juvenile proportions - especially since we've just had the juvie version with Starr, Cole, and Brittany.
No see! Long time! (we hope)
Praise the Popsicle and pass the peanuts - we got an almost Crange-free week! Could ya hear the hallelujah chorus coming on and whoopin' it up? That was me and all my friends! Woohoo woohoohoo! Woohoo woohoohoo! (I know . . . shameless!) Sorry if you love'em, but they're still not givin' me warm fuzzies. Watching them actually reminds me to go put on my bulky sweater before I freeze to death. Yech!
I love the interaction between Vange and Bo. And, dare I go out on a limb and say it? Yea, I'll say it. I'd love to see Vange and Bo hook up. I like the way he smiles at her, and I like the way he trusts her, even when she has to slip one past him. I like the way she respects him, and I like the way she trusts him, even when they've been on opposite sides in and out of the court room. They are both adults who know how to do - and appreciate - grown-up relationships. They're both steady, driven, and hardworking, and they can both make even their worst matchups look better, just for their having been half of the equation. And hoo-boy wouldn't Asa's reaction be a hoot to watch?!
But Cris and Paige . . . eh, not so much.
Praise the Popsicle and pass the peanuts, part two - Nat and John stayed holed up in his hospital room! Is he having second thoughts about marrying her? Ok, then let's try for ninety second thoughts. No, not thoughts lasting ninety seconds. That's about what he's up to now. I'm talking ninety of those second thoughts, which I'm hoping will last longer than a minute and a half each - although between his morphine drips, I'm not sure they're lasting even that long these days. Yea, yea, I know he's telling Nat "No, no morphine." Right. Trust me, put me in that bed (heaven forbid) and they wouldn't have to ask me twice. Or once, for that matter. They could just pass the button and step aside.
Are they doing the Time Warp again?
I busted a gut, rolling on the floor laughing my ay-ess-ess off when 'Tonio said that Capricorn was making double what they made before ClawDia started screeching. Guess you really can double nothing in the club business and still stay afloat. I'd say that they should let Vince invest in it, but hey, he's already backed one loser. Let's not fool him twice.
Layla and Nash? Maybe . . . nnnnot. In fact, let's just not and not say we did. They were kinda cute at the bar, though, gotta admit. But then, Layla (Laaaaaaayla) is hotter than the blue moon in July. And Nash? Let's just say that Nash comes with his own little brand of Hottie juice. I don't like them together; however, maybe that'll change the hotter under the collar they make Tessica.
And just how thick is Tonio that he can't smell the jealousy just oozing out of Tessica whenever Nash shows interest in anyone except her and little BreeBee?! And how slimy does ClawDia have to be before ThickTonio slips and slides right on over to her little pad on the prairie? She's like that icky-sticky-eewy-gooey plop that tells you that not even a spoon full of sugar can make that medicine go down, nothing delightful about that a-t'all. Blech! Gotta give her props, though, on nailin' Tessica's little scheme right on the head. Tess would've never been so obvious. Jess-the-Stepford-Wife can't be anything but.
Hints Away and other great Mailbag Musings
Angela F writes: "What about David being the real Buchanon? The storyline started and dropped hints, then he leaves. There are no spoilers or hints yet." I agree with you there, Angela. Although we did get to see Spewster with his dying mum alluding to Asa being Spewie's dad, we still don't know who the missing Buch Boy really is.
Angie writes: "Can't believe you don't remember Dorian plotting to STEAL her daughter's 30 million. If the trust is in Dorian's name, it belongs to Dorian! I have been wondering forever when that was going to come up. Still wondering why Dorian didn't actually write the check she offered to replace the money she took." I can't believe I didn't remember that either, Angie! I think I must be getting a tad rusty. Probably Dorian didn't write the check because Little Ritalin Minnie is still acting out the snotty little brat routine. Any day now, I expect Dorian to shake her by her shoulders and make her remember who Mummy really is and what she can do to nasty little twits whose mouths write checks that their scrawny little butts can't cash. Oops, sorry. Maybe I was thinking about what I'd do if my kid had the audacity to be as ungrateful and snotty as RitMin. Dorian screwed up, yes. Now Adee(dee) there needs to grow up, own up, and shut up - in that order.
Actually, speaking of ADDriana, Lucy W writes that "she wanted to give [her inheritance] away, being the noble teenager know-it-all". Nice to know some things haven't changed, right? So, Lucy says, "Dorian pretended it was lost in the market so that when she was older and could know what the money could actually mean, she would get it back. Dorian did her a big favor." (Not that the little snot deserves it now, but I digress . . . ) Thanks, Lucy!
From Rosanna: "Unfortunately, Evangeline and John are going to have their albatrosses there for their brief visit. I hope the New Year brings the end of Croakie (Jokie + Cringe = Croakie LOL) One can only hope. I can't believe Michael Easton re-signed for more of this Jokie crap. He looks as bored as I am." You said it, Rosanna! Croakie . . . hehehe Love it! (ribbit ribbit!)
Got this from Colleen: "Vincent is the hottest thing to come to Llanview since Roger Howarth left. Yes I do love me some Nash and Rex. But Vincent in that "wife beater" shirt is yum-yum gimme some!!" I . . . can't add much here. But Colleen, I'm sure you know that you are not alone. Yum-yum gimme some . . . I love that!
Note to TPTB: Colleen wishes to congratulate whoever came up with the idea to hire Tobias Truvillion and his alter-ego Vincent, Colleen's "dream walking on two feet". I'd like to second that.
Lasting notes . . .
Téam Beatrice is going strong! Her head has not exploded, imploded, or had any other ploded-type response. Hooray! Expect to hear light hacking and slight regurgitational impulses whenever we have to sit through another scene with Vange and her "*cough*boyfriend*cough*" Cris.
Personal to KSB: You, too, are the cat's meow, my friend! I dunno why Blair pushed Marty or why Marty didn't press charges, but we'd both be slappin' her silly if she tried that stuff with us. (Natalie, the alien from another galaxy . . . hmm . . . gotta think about that one.)
I loved seeing the old Todd'n'Blair teamwork again. And I got such an education on Wednesday. Chinese Water Torture. Hmmm . . . 'Cause, see, I've got this list. It's not very long. We're not talking Santa-Claus long or anything. Maybe a little shorter than a class roster. In a parochial school. Just a few people that the gene pool would be glad to see go. Gotta make a shopping list.
So let's see here . . .
Dank, dark, cold basement . . . check!
Old rusty chair . . . check!
Handcuffs . . . check!
Huge bottle of water . . . check!
Slow, adjustable spigot . . . check!
Twenty-three rolls of duct tape . . . check!
Hmm . . . what else?
(Oops! That wasn't supposed to be printed, was it?)
Yep, Chinese Water Torture was the highlight of my week. I giggled every time I replayed Todd attempting to keep a straight face when he said the words, and I loved Blair's reaction.
And on that note, kids, it's time to make haste with the paste! Happy ChristmaHanukKwanza.k.a (I celebrate all of them!) and Merry Berry Holidays to one and all!
See you in two! 'Til then, don't give in 'til you get enough!
Cheers!
EY Jackson
