Admittedly, I'm a horrible gardener. To my credit, I did keep a lucky bamboo plant alive for nearly three years, but pretty much everything else I've ever tried to plant or grow ends up mulch. While we're awaiting another writing régime change, I can't help but notice that the former writers, whose current storylines are still airing, don't seem to be gifted with the green thumb, either. In fact, most of the seeds they tried to grow aren't even sprouting.
For starters, there's Scooter. This storyline is pure manure. It's not edgy. It's not entertaining. It's not even clever. It's simply vulgar and maddening. I highly doubt whichever braintrust decided to throw Nicole's porn past in her face this time ever bothered to read Ms. Walker's dossier. It bears repeating that Nicole was a victim of child abuse and sexual assault and was forced into porn by her father. But, nope, some halfwit who casually scanned Nicole's bio saw "porn star" and ran with it. Great.
The thing is, this storyline is insulting. It diminishes a horrible crime committed against a child. It insults longtime viewers who know what truly happened to Nicole. It insults Nicole herself as she should shred apart skeevy Scooter and tell his dimwitted police wife that he's into child porn. And as insulting as it is, it also missed so many opportunities, especially with Arianne Zucker's time in Salem slipping away.
Instead of Scooter and Skeeter, the writers should have gone with a legit wrong from Nicole's past to make her squirm (instead of making her and the audience squirm via Scooter's cringe-worthy lines and lustful looks). Here's a thought. Nicole and Brady hide out in Canada. Check! They meet a nosy next-door neighbor. Check! That neighbor talks about her husband all the time. All. The. Time. Things build up. "Just who is this mysterious husband?" we ask as an audience. And, "Boom!" we finally learn who it is, and it's Colin Murphy!
Yep, I went there. The last we saw of Doc Murphy, he was seemingly washed away during the nearly as disastrous Melaswen storyline. We've seen so many characters die on-screen, so Colin being alive wouldn't be that much of a stretch. Plus, Nicole did actually shoot and "kill" Colin once. He has a legit beef with her. Having him return for one final hurrah as Nicole is approaching hers would have made sense. Instead, we get Scooter. I repeat, "Great."
Another seed that never fully bloomed was Eduardo. That has nothing to do with A Martinez's acting chops. He crushed his role. It was just the writing that made Eddie hard to like. It was inconsistent and forced a lot of the time, and a lot of what made Eduardo interesting was dropped. He kinda liked Eve, but didn't. He wanted to make amends and hot tamales with Mama H, but was quick to say, "Adiós, Adrianna!" and declare his love for Kate. He was all over the place, and one of the places he was best was alongside John and the gang, but that wasn't fleshed out enough. Plus, part of Rafe and Gabi's charm is that they are each other's family, and they didn't need Ma and Pa H around to confirm that. Having their parents around recently -- when Rafe premiered in 2008 and Gabi in 2009 -- kind of seemed like too little, too late.
But here's a thought! A could have been a recast of Emilio Ramirez. Yes, he's "dead," too, but it's Salem, so, moving along...
With Emilio, a lot of things could have happened. The most important one I can think of is that Emilio's presence could have rescued Jennifer from a few years' worth of wonky storylines. Sure, DAYS should bring back Frankie Brady, but Emilio would've worked, as well, to rekindle Jennifer's love life in a less drunken, drugged-out fiasco. Bonus: Emilio and Adrienne once had a thing, too. Drama!
Surprisingly, one slow-blooming storyline has potential! There's a little something-something between Lani, Eli, and Gabi. Oh, and J.J., too, but honestly, he's the least exciting part of that quad. That's okay; he tries. I enjoyed the banter between Lani and Eli just as much as the spark between Eli and Gabi. Yep, something-something could come of this, and, well, we know Gabi doesn't like to hurt people, but Lani may end up causing some trouble, as that girl has a loco streak.
Speaking of a little cray, Julie's clutching her pearls again and going on as if Nick was the Saint Dr. Dan of the Horton family. Spoiler, Jules, he wasn't. And while I have sympathy for her loss, I'd have much more respect for her if she'd given what Nick did to her other family members an ounce of thought, but that's never been shown. Fail, writers. Fail. So, while I absolutely don't blame Julie for disliking what Gabi did, I have little desire to see her start another round of screeching over "Poor Nick" and that murderess. Though there is a special brand of irony in that Julie hates Val for controlling Eli's life, and now she wants to do the same. But since Eli made it pretty clear he's his own man, maybe I do want to see this, after all. Hmm...
Though Gabi isn't on everyone's ick list. Kate actually wants Gabi to be with Chad. She may have mentioned that once or twice. And by "once or twice," I mean while Kate was attempting to coax Gabi to run to Chad, was I the only one waiting for Kate to do a magical turn, end up in a bouffant, a Doo Wop-esque dress, and start singing, "Tell Him" by The Exciters? Anyways...
Kate was a bit exasperating in those scenes and at the vow renewal. I do believe she loves Chad like a son. That's been constant for years, even when Chad was a foot taller and more hipsterish. But lady needs to pump those brakes and respect Chad's choice...wait...wait a minute...never mind. Kate loves him like a son. And she doesn't respect her children's choices. Just ask Lucas, Billie, Austin, etc. So, I guess Abigail's lucky Kate didn't get ahold of that cake and some poison. There's that.
Then again, Abigail and company never made it to the cake. She decided that Chad's heart belongs with Gabi. It was an ear-tug flashback that was a real eye-opener, if you will. Yeah, if years' worth of on-screen history wasn't rewritten for that, I'd say the writers hit the ball out of the park. (Baseball reference, writers, do I get a bonus point?) But that's not how those early innings played out (oh, another baseball nod, I can be a DAYS writer). It all came across rather laughable, really, but I'm sort of okay with Abigail Mary Tyler Mooreing her life and making it on her own. Abs has been a bit of a rock star the past few months, and I adore that she's strong enough to take charge and not settle for half of someone's heart. You go, girl!
LOOSE ENDS:
Damn, Mar Mar! Doc sure had Victor's number when she confronted him over his treatment of Eric. Sure, Eric doesn't need her to fight his fights, but I loved every second of Marlena ripping into Victor. She wasn't wrong about his past misdeeds and general lack of respect for, well, nearly everyone. A fired up Mar is one of my favorite versions of the character.
Still Victor is right about one thing. Eric really should treat St. Danny's memory with more respect. I mean, no one's erected an angel statue for Dr. Dan yet. Maybe Eric should start there, or just go through St. Luke's Bibles, cross out Jesus' name, and write in "Daniel Jonas." That seems like the kind of memory honoring fit for the good dead doc, right, Vic? Ugh.
Oh, and, really, Victor? Now Hope and Gabi are off-limits to Deimos. Awesome, dude. Way to look out for your, um, loved ones. I can't. Just can't.
Aww, Paul and Sonny exchanged "I love you's." That's sweet. That's special. That's not a bag of excitement, however. Sorry. I like Sonny. I like Paul. I just feel they're a couple out of convenience rather than this magical connection or stimulating storytelling. I kind of want better for them both separately and together.
Also in breaking love news, Theo loves Claire and wants to be with her forever. Claire's response was a little more, "Um, can you define 'forever'?" But they did it anyways. This should work out well for both of them in the forever department. Yep. Conversely, does Hallmark have a "Good Luck With That!" card? Just wondering.
At first I was ready to lay down the hypocrite card and have Rafe sign it, but Rafe's speech about the wrongs he's done in the past and how they ate away at his soul was spot on and wonderfully acted by Galen Gering. So I'm not mad at Raferoni and Cheese. Though I did chuckle when he asked Dario, "Do you have any respect for the law?" because all I could think of is him and Hope Weekend at Bernieing Stefano's body all over Salem. That was a low point. I'm glad he's learned a lesson.
Still, Dario's growing out his anger stubble again and directing it toward Rafe. He's mad at big bro. Great! If there's one thing endearing about Dario, it's when he pouts like a petulant child. "This will be fun," says nobody.
In Tripp news, he watched a DVD of Ava (which was not Tamara Braun, and that is a total shame). Now he loves his mom and still hates Steve, despite others trying to sway him. Acting? Great! Storyline movement? Check in next week.
I will give Jade full credit, though. She dished out good advice with her entire speech to Tripp about, "We know things Joey doesn't...but he knows things we don't." I can't believe that moment of wisdom came from a former/kinda-still-is Bratz Doll. Though, she should stop while she's ahead.
HOT
Lauren Koslow, you simply rock! Those scenes after Dario delivered Eduardo's gifts to Kate were brilliant. I wish I could have gotten on board with Kate and Eduardo, but, man, Lauren's acting is the best gift DAYS fans can get!
NOT
Though I could easily give everything Scooter a "NOT" each week until he slithers out of the Salemiverse, there's more "NOTS" to conquer, though not as "NOTTY" as Scooter, but I digress. This week, we're taking on Wyatt being shady. Boo. Just boo. With casting news that Vivian Jovanni's days are dwindling, I really wanted Ciara to have a happy ending. Wyatt is handsome, has some swagger, and seemed polite. I really thought they could be the Millennial Bope-Lite and sail away from Salem on some grand adventure. But, nope. He seems like another creeper. I repeat, "Boo!"
LINE OF THE WEEK
Nicole (self-pep talk): "Oh, come on! You're Nicole Walker, damn it. You've made it this far and you're not going to let someone like Scooter Nelson ruin everything."
Please, oh, please, have Nicole repeat that every minute until a martini and mini dog magically appear in her hands. I so want Nicole to scrap the idea of giving in to Scooter and end her run on a high note. Fingers crossing in five, four, three...
TRUE 'DAT LINE OF THE WEEK
Nicole: "Scooter, go home!"
EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK
Eli: "You know, grandma, that was really rude."
Julie: "Darling, that was just an appetizer for the banquet I could dish out." #originalbadass
RANDOM THOUGHTS
Oh, Jenny Bear. You're super sweet for putting together "Chabigail: The Slideshow," but you might want to reconsider. The last time Chad was subjected to random images was by Andre, and he ended up hypnotized/brainwashed and rubbing up on Belle.
Speaking of those wacky Chad brainwashing images (which I still chuckle about from time to time), I'm sorely disappointed the writers didn't use those for the first moment Julie saw Eli and Gabi together. I swear her head was about to explode. Still, it would have been funny to see inside Julie's mind with rockets launching, wild animals fighting, and those kittens.
I wanted to high-five Gabi when she told Kate she wasn't going to hurt people. That's such an evolved statement for a soap character.
The next time Marlena calls Eric a "wounded bird," I fully expect her to sing ABBA's "Chiquitita" to him and brush his hair.
I could watch Kate and Andre go back and forth all day. Seriously. Their banter is genius.
I wonder if weddings can get away with the only two reps per family rule like vow renewals can? If so, people are about to save thousands. Plus, you can make relatives compete in some sort of Hunger Games to see who will attend. I kind of love this idea.
Jade's liver is fully regenerated. Sure. Okay. Mutant.
Um, perhaps Googling, err, Ewe Searching something like, say, "nearest gun store" might not be the best idea, Nicole. That'll get you on some kind of list fast, sister. Just sayin'.
Though, I trust Nicole with a gun more than that Muppet-brained neighbor of hers. As a cop, you'd think Hillary wouldn't wave a gun around in a living room with two children in the house. Yes, she should know how to handle a gun, but, well, we've all met that hot mess. #GoHomeHillary
Rafe to Hope, "You don't got to cook." Ha! I love that they're honest about her culinary skills.
Tate. I get it, man. I'm upset when I wake up from naps and there's no homemade cupcakes, too.
Also, Brady might not want to bury the lead with those baking skills. Maybe more of his fiancée would have stuck around. Well, the ones that aren't dead.
Does anyone else suspect that Jade has a big bowl of popcorn on standby in case she gets a little puckish while watching all the Tripp drama? That girl is loving this mess.
RE: messes. Brady and Nicole had that kitchen disaster, and neither of them got shirtless in the living room. Shocking.
J.J. said to Abigail of Kate, "That woman's a total downer." Yeah. Because J.J. is always a laugh a minute. Remember the Paige era. He was a hoot then. Nice try, though, J-Pat.
Yes, Andre and everyone else! Abigail did look as lovely as ever. Marci Miller is stunning.
Hillary told Nicole that she and Scooter are "driving each other crazy." Yeah. That will be a short trip.
I was about ready for Olivia Pope to join J.J., Paul, and Eli when they were talking about wearing white hats. Total gladiators. And I kind like those three teaming up if, for no other reason, than it gives them something interesting to do.
Damn, Chad falls asleep quickly.
Any Sex and the City fans up in here? If so, is Eduardo a little Aleksandr Petrovsky with the avalanche of romance? If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out the episode "The Ick Factor." As Carrie told Aleksandr, "You gotta take it down a notch."
Wait! On the topic of Eddie's saccharine showering of adoration for Kate, I have to ask something serious: breakups come with gifts now!? Take it, Roman -- "Whad 'da hell?" My exes did not get that memo.
PARTING THOUGHTS
So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of April 17! Laurisa will be back next week, ready to Two Scoop Salem straight and also get everyone pumped for the Emmy Awards. Be sure to live stream the event on April 30 and cheer on Team #DAYS! And, "That's a fact!"
As always, thanks for reading!
Tony
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